TM - 51 - What do you want for your birthday? (Locked to those who know about immortality)

[on_holy_ground]

Birthdays are not something that I tend to think about often, as I have no recollection of what my own might be, nor do I celebrate it in any fashion. However on occasion the practice of celebrating the day that we are brought into the world makes me wonder about my own life and how it has changed over the years.

An old friend, who shall remain nameless although I am sure that some will know of whom I speak, once told me that I was given a “get out of jail free” card. That my own redemption, which I consider an ongoing process, was far too easy as compared to others. I agree with him completely on that point.

I was given a gift; a chance at a new life where I could do something of value rather than continue on with the destruction that had previously been all my life was about. In a sense I suppose that I was “born again” that day as I stood in front of the gates of Paris.

So as that was in a sense my birthday, my only wish is that I can continue to make a difference in people’s lives as I have tried to do since that day, and lead them towards the path of peace.

Comments

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

If we're speaking of the same old friend, he does seem occasionally bitter about that comparatively easy redemption process...

Compares it to a friend of mine having his soul returned.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

I am indeed speaking of him.

I can't blame him for his bitterness on the subject as he had to move down that same path without the help that I, and it would seem that your friend, both recieved.

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

I don't know your fully story, but for my friend? It still wasn't easy. He fights the inner demon every day. Sometimes he loses. But the soul...it gives him a reason to fight.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"We all lose sometimes, even if no one knows it but ourselves, but it is the fight that is important. Trying every day to better ourselves is what gives us all reason to go on."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"Do you find that you actually have? When you look back over the centuries...not just since your conversion, but. Through it all, looking back to who you were...are you someone new now or does the core of yourself...I'm not expressing my question well. I'm sorry."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"There is no need to apologize, some questions are simply easier to think than they are to ask aloud. You want to know whether I am still the same person at the core of myself as I was before it changed that day at the gates of Paris?"

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"Yes. Or...as you were before you became Immortal. Does our...our core self change through all the years?"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"We all change and grow as we move through the years certainly, some more than others, but some fundimental things don't really change.

Our friend for instance will always have a very developed sense of self-preservation, it's just part of who he is, and it always will be. I have a love for strategy that has always been there for as long as I can remember, I simply channel a bit differently than I once did. Loyalty, honor, the sense of chivalry that Duncan has, these are some the things that make up part of our 'core' selves."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"Do you find yourself..." shakes his head slightly. "What I think I fear most, sometimes, is losing who I am. Either in the fight. Or in him. And other times, I fear more that I will never lose the sense of failure and...inconsequentiality that was bred into me through the years."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"I am afraid that I am not the best person to ask about losing yourself in a person, as I have never experienced that myself, however I don't see that you could lose more than you wanted to lose. Perhaps even when you don't realize that you might want to lose it.

As for the rest, it is the negative things that are the hardest to lose, but in the end it comes down to whether you are strong enough to change the image that you have of yourself. I believe that things like that are not parts of who we are, but parts of what others have made us become. Nobody is born with a negative image of himself or herself.

I think that perhaps in the end we can change anything we want to about ourselves if we work at it, and have people around us that care and want to help us through it."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

A bit helplessly, "How do you even begin to start? Experts would say see a shrink, but...there's no one I can go to who I could be honest with. About my past, yes, but my current struggles and how they are impacted by that past? No."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"Well, I am no therapist in the traditional sense, but I would be more than willing to help where I can, and there are advantages with me that you wouldn't get elsewhere. For one thing I am an immortal and have seen quite a bit, and for another I am a priest and can't tell anyone anything even if I were inclined to."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"I'd...I'd like that, I think."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

He smiles a bit, "It would also seem that I will be moving to your side of the world in the coming weeks, so that should make things a bit easier for us to talk as well."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"Are you?" He's surprised. "Where to? And why? Methos says you never leave your church or Paris..."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"I have left Paris before for a time you know. Why I was just in Belgium in 1815 for instance.”

Now though, it seems that almost everyone has moved to the New World and would like to have me in New York so I am closer.”

He laughs softly, "However I am not leaving the church, just the city. I made the mistake of saying that I wouldn't leave St. Julien's and then I find out there are Gods that would be willing to make it possible so that I wouldn't have to. As for Paris..."

He pauses for a moment.

"Well, 1400 years in one place is a very long time. It might be time for a change."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

He nods slowly. "1400 years...I cannot truly fathom it. Not really. Even as old as he is...It will be good to have you closer, I think."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

He smiles softly, "Sometimes, I can't fathom it myself. As for my move, I am sure that if it doesn't work out, I can always come back."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"Were you afraid when you first found out what you were?"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"When I first found out what I was, I thought I was some sort of god, so fear was never an issue at first. However after Paris, that changed as well."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"What did you fear, after Paris?"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"More than anything, I feared myself."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"What you were capable of?"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"What I had been capable of before, and what others like me were still capable of."

[wesley-w-price.livejournal.com]

"It worries me."