RP - Missing Ynez

[on_holy_ground]

It had been quiet at the villa since Ynez had left, and while Darius had spent many years surrounded by such quiet, he now found that there was simply too much. He missed the sound of Ynez moving through the kitchen as she prepared something to eat. He missed the sound of her voice as she asked him a question or remarked on something that she had seen in the market. He even missed the uncomfortable silences that had become a part of their everyday routine since the light quickening that resided within him had been released once again.

He missed her.

Ynez had always been the one to call him with news about what was going on with her father. He had not wanted to pry into her life with her family, especially given what had happened the last time the topic had come up. Therefore he had let her be the one to make contact. Now though, he thought that it was time he started trying to reach out to her more in the small ways that might matter to her more than he had realized.

Which was why he is currently sitting in the nook that is off the kitchen, cup of tea in front of him, making a phone call to Los Angeles.

Comments

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

The best time of day for them to talk has worked out to be her morning, his afternoon. That doesn't mean she doesn't call him at other times, because she does, frequently and occasionally with no regard for the time in Rome. Calls of hers have woken him up on more than one occasion.

Still, it's best to call her during the morning. If she's gotten any sleep, she'll be rested and the day will not have had a chance yet to start piling anxiety and outrage on her head. The best of all possible times to call is when she's on her second or third cup of coffee.

"Hello? Darius?" Her phone tells her that it's him. Why is he calling? Is something wrong? Thus begins that day's serving of worry.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

The idea that his calling her might cause her concern did not crossed his mind until he heard her voice. The anxiety that he is hearing in the way she says his name does however clue him in on that little detail, and he is now somewhat embarassed and apologetic for having caused her needless worry.

"Hello, Ynez. I am sorry if I startled you. I just wanted to hear your voice and so I thought that I would call and see how things were progressing."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"Oh." She takes a second to let that sink in. "Okay. Things are okay, I guess. Everybody's still here, but otherwise life is getting into a new routine here at home. It's chaotic, you know? But my father's doing better. He's getting used to his new diet, and I think Lupe is, too."

In other words, Ynez is ruling the kitchen with an iron fist right now. Her father has been home from the hospital for five days. He still isn't particularly mobile and the family business -- the brujo business -- has suffered as a result. That's why her uncles have gathered around the way they have. A show of strength never hurts.

"I'm still not sure what's going to happen."

That could refer to anything.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius hears the truth behind her words, having lived with her long enough now to know that when she sets her mind to something, then nothing can divert her from that course. Especially if that something has to do in any way with food. It makes him smile.

"I am glad to hear that he is doing better."

What he heard when she said that last part, is that she' is not sure when she will be back. A part of him wonders at time if it's more of an 'if' than a 'when'.

"Things with family are often that way."

He may not have any of his own anymore, but he had spent much of his life helping families, and he knew how it could be.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's hard to understand why he bothers talking to her, when all he does is mouth platitudes. Ynez can't see the way she sets up walls and pushes people away, disinvites caring and connection. She hasn't felt connected to him in such a long time now that this is only more of the same. When she'd talked to him in the airport, when she'd e-mailed to tell him she loved him, it had reminded her how she once felt, how she still feels, but it's too easy to lose that when she's this far away from him.

"They want me to come home, you know. For good."

If he wants her out of his life, then this is his out. No harm, no foul. Well, of course there is, but she'll try to put a good face on it.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius pauses for a moment before answering, and he wonders if the fear that is in his heart at this moment shows in his voice when he finally does speak. His voice isn't as sure as it usually is, that much at least he can hear for himself.

"Is that what you want?"

He doesn't want her to leave.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

His voice sounds strange when he asks that, but she doesn't comment. For all she knows, it's just the phone acting up, even if it does sound like some unrecognizable emotion. There are ghosts in the line.

"Not really, no. It doesn't feel so much like home here anymore." She sighs. "They keep telling me that I have a duty, though. That's the hard part. If it were just taking care of Papi, that might be one thing, but I don't want any of the rest of it that comes with the package."

But still she feels guilty. Isn't she supposed to want what her family wants for her?

"I'm not a very good daughter."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"You are trying to build a life of your own, Ynez. Your family should not expect you to drop everything for them. They should not expect you to life your life only for them. Help them of course, but not give up all that you have worked towards."

They should not expect her to give up on him. They are having problems, true, but there is so much there between them. To have her leave now would destroy everything they have been working towards. Everything he has been working towards.

"I admit however, that I may be somewhat selfish in this matter."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"We're Mexican at heart, Darius. Of course they expect me to make sacrifices for them, especially since I have no family of my own anymore."

If she had her own children, they'd make other claims on her, but they'd have to recognize her priorities. Darius isn't recognized as having the same sort of claim on her right now by anyone except her.

"Unmarried daughters are supposed to take care of their parents. That's how it works. No matter what I want or what I'm trying to do. I'm not allowed to be selfish. When I'm selfish, I'm bad. Lupe's spent my entire life telling me so."

Lurking behind everything is her aching unsatisfied emptiness. Sometimes it presents itself as the desire to have a child. Sometimes, she wants nothing more than to return to Rome and Darius and never look back again. Other times, she can't name it at all. It suffocates her and she doesn't even know what it is.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"Selfishness is often a sign of self-preservation. We all do selfish things because it is something that has helped us to survive. It does not make you bad. It simply makes you human."

He couldn't help but to think of how hypocritical it was of her family to admonish her for selfishness, when what they were asking of her was in itself, a selfish act.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"And they're human, too. They've always had certain expectations of me, especially my aunts. They have certain ways, you know, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be a daughter, what it means to be a bruja."

What it means to be Castillo, in other words.

"I've never been very good at meeting other people's expectations. They sacrificed everything for my father and me."

Ynez is tired of being forced to be grateful for those sacrifices, too. She lowers her voice a little before continuing.

"I want them to stop reminding me of it. Well, Lupe, anyway, she's the one who throws things in my face. She's got no ground to attack me, you know. I think it's her fault my father got sick."

As soon as the words leave her mouth, she wishes she could take them back. It's one thing to think them and another thing altogether to say them out loud.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Listening to her words, Darius wonders what exactly she means by that statement. It could be any number of things really, and he did not want to jump to an conclusions.

"I had always thought that sacrificing for someone is done because it is what a person wants to do, not because they can later hold it over another's head as a kind of obligation."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Ynez's laugh sounds brittle, even to her own ears. "Many sacrifices are made unwillingly, Darius. You know that, don't you? They're not selfless, but they're sacrifices nevertheless."

Inexplicably, her eyes fill with tears. She reaches for a napkin to blot them and hopes that her mascara doesn't run. Somebody will be bound to see if it does.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

The sound of her laugh causes his heart to hurt just a little bit. "Perhaps that is true, but I am not willing to sacrifice you to your family. If that makes me a bad person in their eyes, then so be it."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

His words surprise her terribly. There's no way to control the tears now, so she just lets them fall.

"I don't know what to do, Darius. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm being torn in half. No matter what I do, somebody is going to get hurt."

Her family drives her crazy, but she loves them. She has no idea what to do about Darius, but she loves him. When Ynez says she feels like she's being torn apart, she isn't exaggerating.

"Do you love me?"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

He can hear how much she's hurting, and he wishes nothing more than to be able to take that pain away. Unfortunately, he is also aware that he is the cause of part of that pain, although it was never his intention.

"Yes, I love you, Ynez. In all my years, there has never been anyone who has touched me in the way that you have done. While I know that things are difficult for us both at the moment, I have to believe that they will get better, and that we can find a way to make this work."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"I feel so far away from you," she whispers, trying not to cry. "I want to come home!"

That's such a complicated statement, but she certainly doesn't feel like she's home now. Whether she will feel like she's home once she's back with him is another matter altogether.

"I just don't trust Lupe to take care of my father!"

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius hates how much confusion and pain there is in her voice, which he can hear even with the bad connection. However, the fact that she thought of their place here as home made him feel a bit better about everything.

"I could come to you, if you like."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"Would you?" For a moment, the sheer relief of thinking that she might see him soon, very soon, sweeps away every other thought. If nothing else, now she knows what she wants, and it isn't to be a dutiful daughter.

Reality intrudes when she hears Lupe in the next room, calling her.

"Hold on a moment," she tells Darius, then, with her hand over the phone, calls out to tell Lupe she's on the phone. Predictably, she's told to hang up, that she's tying up the line, even though she isn't using the family phone in the first place.

"I'm back. I can't talk much longer. Let me think about it, okay?"

She just isn't sure whether now is a good time for him to meet her family, or for them to meet him. That makes her apprehensive enough to nearly cancel out the relief she felt at his offer. Nearly.

"Thank you for offering to come. It means a lot to me."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

The relief in her voice tells him far more than the words she said ever could, and it gave him more hope for their future together.

"Of course. Take all the time that you need. I will be here when you have decided."

He pauses for a moment, relief evident in his voice as well. "I just want you to know that I am here for you, whatever you should need."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"I miss you so much, you know." She hadn't said it before, but it's true.

Part of her distress is due to the chaos around her, so many people, so much noise, it just never ends. It never used to bother her, in fact, it seemed normal, but now it exhausts her. The neurologist told her that this was probably at least partly due to her head injury. It made her start to think about Darius's silence in a new way.

"Everybody here is so loud. The neurologist said that that stresses me."

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

That worries him. He doesn't like the idea that her being there might be aggrivating her injuries in any way. He has always been very protective of her, both before and after his conversation with Loki at the wake.

"Have you talked to your family about it?"

After all, they should care enough to try and tone things down for her, he would think.

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

"It's not that simple. I wish it were." She sighs and tries to think about how to explain to him. She also switches to Italian, because by now Lupe is just outside the door listening to her side of the conversation. "There are just so many people, they can't all be quiet. It's not just my uncles and aunts, but my cousins. When you have somewhere between ten and twenty people in the house at a time, it's noisy."

Taking a fresh napkin to blot away the last of her tears, she adds. "It's been quieter since Papi came home, I make them be quiet, and the kids aren't allowed over right now unless absolutely necessary, but this is a small house to hold ten or eleven adults at one time." Roughly speaking. When people's spouses aren't here too.

It's a big noisy family, even when they're on their good behavior.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius had little experience with the kind of extended family network that she was talking about, at least on a personal level. He understood what she was saying, but understanding something and living it were two very different things.

"Perhaps if you were just to get out of the house on occasion? Set aside some time to take a walk or go to a cafe or just be alone? Even such a small thing may be of help."

[ynez-castillo.livejournal.com]

Like she hasn't already thought of that? She's lived with these people for years! Still, she knows that Darius means well and that he simply has no idea what it takes to get out of the house some days.

"I'll try," she tells him. "It isn't always possible, but maybe now that we've gotten a bit of a routine going."

Having things settle down to a point that she doesn't feel so overwhelmed probably means that they've gotten to a point where Ynez can come back to Rome.