WM - 33.3 - I Don't Even Know Myself - by The Who

[on_holy_ground]

Don't pretend that you know me 'cause I don't even know myself.

It was a long walk from the park to St. Julien’s, and a possibly dangerous one for an immortal who carried no sword, but Darius didn’t even think of that possibility as he made his way through the city. Instead, his mind was trying to wrap itself around what had just happened, and the possible ramifications. A part of him had always known that eventually there would be an incident that neither he nor Ynez could walk away from, but he had always hoped that it would be something that could be easily fixed. Perhaps it had been a foolish hope, but it had been there just the same. Now they were both balancing on the edge of something that would either heal them somehow, or push them apart, possibly for good.

When Darius finally reached the church he paused outside the gates and looked up at the place that had been his home for so long. It was a part of him really, in ways that perhaps no one, including himself, could ever really understand. After his death at the hands of Hunters, his essence had taken up residence in the building itself, and a part of him would probably always reside there even when he was physically absent. It was his place of comfort and peace when all around him was in turmoil. Only now he wasn’t sure that even that would be enough to calm the chaos and confusion within.

Finally though, he stepped through the gates and made his way into the courtyard. He could feel the serenity that had always been there, and it was a welcome feeling as he tried to find his center. Closing his eyes for a moment he took a deep breath and then opened them once again as he started to walk slowly around the grounds, searching for the inner peace that he seemed to have lost.

OOC: Takes place after this rp thread.

Comments

[sacredeyes]

Peninnah had felt him arrive and though she was happy for the company she gave him time. He wandered for awhile through the yard. It was not until he rounded the church to the side where she was tending the flowers that Peninnah greeted him.

It is a pleasure to see you, father. Peninnah stood and smiled. Though she still wore the robes, she no longer wore the veils and head piece.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Despite his own inner confusion, Darius smiled when he saw the young woman working in the garden. It did his heart some good to know that there was still someone there that cared for the church as he had once done.

"It is a pleasure to see you as well. I see that spring has finally arrived in force."

[sacredeyes]

Spring is here but I enjoy the work it provides. Peninnah smiled brushing the dirt from her hands.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius nodded, thinking of the garden he usually started planting this time of year.

"I enjoy such things as well. It is a very calming and satisfying sort of work."

[sacredeyes]

I want to have more for the poor when they come. So many go hungry in this city.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"Too many, especially these days."

He smiled softly at her work, glad that someone was taking care of those that came to the church. He missed being here to do such things himself.

[sacredeyes]

I do what I can to help those here.

Peninnah blushed a bit. Have you returned to stay?

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius paused before answering, simply because he had no idea at the moment if he would be coming back or not. Until things were worked out with Ynez one way or the other, it was going to be up in the air. However, he did know that regardless of the outcome, it wasn't time for him to return just yet.

"Not at the moment, no. I simply need to try and find my way again, and this has long been the place I have come for such things." He looked around for a moment before focusing on her once again. "I do believe however, that I will be coming by much more frequently."

[sacredeyes]

Your return is always welcome.

Peninnah nodded and smiled. I can leave you to your thoughts if you wish.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius smiled softly, if a bit sadly. "I think I actually came here to get away from my thoughts for a little while."

[sacredeyes]

Peninnah smiled but her posture showed something near servitude. It was the position she was used to fulfilling.

If there is anything I may do please, do not hesitate to ask.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"Just being here is more than enough, I assure you."

Darius hoped that one day she might overcome that attitude, but he knew himself that it took time to change something that had become so ingrained. He was glad to see though that she was slowly changing some, as the lack of veil clearly showed.

[sacredeyes]

Very well.Peninnah smiled. Would you like to speak of what is troubling you?

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"I am afraid I am having an age old trouble that is somewhat new to me, and therefore I wonder if I am perhaps making more of it than is necessary. After all, man was not truly meant to understand the mind of a woman."

[sacredeyes]

I am not certain I will be of any use. I do not myself know what it is to be a woman.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"There are many ways to be of use to someone that don't require knowledge. You have already brightened my day for instance, and that in itself makes things a bit easier."

[sacredeyes]

I am glad for what I can do. I believe I understand your frustration more than I understand the gender I am. I do not think I will ever understand how to be a woman.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Darius kneels down to get a closer look at the flowers she was tending. "I wonder if women even understand it themselves sometimes."

[sacredeyes]

They are sunflowers. Peninnah knelt down with him. Everyone has moments where they can not understand who they are. It is part of becoming something better than we are. It is unfortunate that can also go the other way if one is not careful.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

Nodding, he indicates the sunflowers, which he had always liked for their sunny look.. "A good choice."

He then nods at her words. "I myself have been having problems understanding who I am these days, so I am sure that has only made things that much more difficult."

[sacredeyes]

Difficulty is the root of all strength. Peninnah smiled. It seems to me that many are enduring trials during this time.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"I have noticed that as well. I wonder if there is some reason for it outside of the internal.. I have seen instances in the past where such difficulties have been external signs of some outside event."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I have had no strange dreams though, so perhaps it is simply a time of much stress."

[sacredeyes]

It is Spring. The time of new beginnings must cause turmoil to be effective.

[on-holy-ground.livejournal.com]

"That is quite true." He turns to look at her and smiles. "You are quite intuitive."

[sacredeyes]

Thank you. Peninnah blushed slightly. I have spent my life watching the world. Though it has not taught me how to live in this world it has given me insight into the rhythms of change and cycles.